Hospitalization post #2: Restrictions

I was not very happy to be in the hospital. In fact, I was downright depressed over that fact alone. There were many restrictions. For one patients were not allowed to go outside, among other things. In this frustration I started to write my feelings. This was how I felt at the time:

Animal in a cage.
Impulses of rage.
Imbalance in the brain.
Depression, guilt and shame.
Branded like a cow.
Not nuts before till now.
Herding us around.
No straps or strings allowed.

It was rough those first few days. I must say though, that it has helped. Funny how no matter what I'm going through, I'm still creating in some way.

Interview during 3 Guys Art Exhibition

My Recent Hospitalization

Boy oh boy, alot happens in just a few week's time. My June 1st post spoke about my mixed state of mania and depression. Sometimes what is going on inside me is more apparent to others than it is to myself. In the June 1st post I mentioned that thoughts of death come upon me - first about other things and then on to myself. Well, that is a bad sign. Whenever those thoughts even have the inkling of starting, I'm already shifting in to a bad place. The bad place was apparent to my doctor and he quickly had me whisked away to a Behavioral Hospital, that's "mental institution" in plain language. This is where I've been the past two weeks. Its the second time in my life I have been hospitalized and I must say, I thought that I was long past the thought of ever needing to go there again. Its not a place where people are tied up in straight jackets and in padded rooms - at least that's not where I was. I don't have to go into all the details, but even though its not the greatest place to be, it has helped me and I feel much better now; much more like myself. How does this effect me as an artist? That's one of the main reasons I started this blog is to write about this darkness, this hell and how it relates to the joys of creating. In many, many artistic people, these two things are closely intertwined.

I had some freedom and although I could work with pencils no longer than 3", I was able to do some artwork.

This is a large bush that was right outside my window. I was inspired by it somehow. It reminded me of Moses and the Burning Bush. I think I may make a painting of that. Through the window when it rained, the bush looked as if its colors were running - melting almost. That image I will retain because I want to paint it as well.

There was free time and quite an array of "characters". Here there was a game of spades being played, but I thought I'd be cheeky and call it "Crazy Eights".

As a side note, It was so wonderful to see people come in so sad & dejected or angry and within a few days with medication, their spirits lifted. It was just a wonderful transformation.