What does an artist do in times of difficulty? One of the things is to trust that things will get better. I've been gradually going into a mixed state of Bipolar mania and depression; that's when both are going on in the body at the same time. Its signified by lack of concentration, agitation, risky behaviors and downright sadness. Its the first time I've experienced an episode in this way. Its been very difficult. Just when the skies are sunny, at a pin drop, the skies go cloudy and dark. To be honest, (which is why I'm keeping a blog in the first place) I must admit that my thoughts begin to gravitate towards the subject of death - the death of other things at first, but as the depression worsens those thoughts turn on me - by turning to me. THIS TIME, it I was drawn to writing Goodbye letters to my family. No, I didn't do it, but I went and got the help I need and am right now, happy to say, I'm getting through; lots of tears, but getting through.
At church today, the Pastor spoke about the Second Chapter of the book of The Acts of the Apostles. She talked about how the Spirit of God came as a mighty wind and the Apostles had no control over their agendas, because God brought them to where He wanted them to go. What they had to do was trust. The Pastor then said something that stuck out to me. She said (and I am paraphrasing) that when you are caught-up in the midst of your derailed plans, God is still in there and He will work things out. This struck a chord with me because during this current episode, I have been told by family members, therapists and good friends, that basically I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself. Not to just be upset that I have this illness, but really put the effort in to get ahold of it and TRUST that I've got One who is going to work it all out. So I guess that is the answer to the question of difficult times.
At church today, the Pastor spoke about the Second Chapter of the book of The Acts of the Apostles. She talked about how the Spirit of God came as a mighty wind and the Apostles had no control over their agendas, because God brought them to where He wanted them to go. What they had to do was trust. The Pastor then said something that stuck out to me. She said (and I am paraphrasing) that when you are caught-up in the midst of your derailed plans, God is still in there and He will work things out. This struck a chord with me because during this current episode, I have been told by family members, therapists and good friends, that basically I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself. Not to just be upset that I have this illness, but really put the effort in to get ahold of it and TRUST that I've got One who is going to work it all out. So I guess that is the answer to the question of difficult times.
1 comment:
I found your blog when I googled mania & depression at he same time. I seriously thought I was losing my mind. I'm in a manic/depressed state right now and it's confusing me. For the past few weeks I was in a mania phase then like you said at a pin drop it threw me into this state. Thanks for keeping a blog. When your brain is as messed up as this it's nice to know that other people share some levels of the same things.
Take care and I hope you keep looking for the positive rather than taking a permanent end to a temporary problem. I too have to remind myself of that.
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